Filmic TiltAWhirl
by Sar-kaz-m
Summary: Questionable Crossovers! Out of Control AUs! Anything's possible: I've tossed my DVD collection into the blender and hit PUREE, baby! One: Sharpe vs. Jane Austen! Two: Heathers and Addams family! Three: Slayers vs Mortal Kombat!
1. Chapter 1

_Okay, here we go! Read, review, make some evil suggestions!!_

Crossover One: Sharpe (BBC) / Pride And Prejudice (BBC)

"'Ere now, what's this?" Sargeant Patrick Harper asked his commanding officer quietly, looming as usual over the Major's shoulder.

"Northern regiment." Major Richard Sharpe replied succinctly. The veteran pair watched as the latest batch of squeaky clean innocents marched into Lord Wellington's camp. The commander of His Majesty's Forces in Spain and France had certainly caused a stir in his last visit back to London, and lately a number of regiments that might have spent the entire war drilling in the shires were now flooding into the French camps. And as usual, one after another were assigned to be drilled and knocked into shape by the famous, or infamous, Major Sharpe.

Loud hoofbeats caused both officers to turn.

"Great," muttered Sharpe, before pasting a non-committal expression on his face.

"Hello, Sharpe! Still alive, I see!" Major 'Mungo' Munroe, Lord Wellington's chief of spies, or Exploring Officers, as His Lordship preferred to call them, dragged his horse to a dancing stop in the Major's usually showy fashion. Harper politely took the horse's reins as the incorrigible Scotsman dismounted. "Well, and good, good. Here's the latest batch, you see. Fresh from the North."

"I see," Sharpe agreed, warily. "Am I to take this unit too?"

"You are indeed," Munroe replied cheerfully. "But we have a special task for you as well." Sidling close to Sharpe, Munroe indicated a particular Lieutenant, mounted and waiting just beyond the column. "That one there? One Leftenant George Wickham."

"What of 'im?" Sharpe asked. He eyed the officer speculatively. The man had a good seat on his mount, a really gentlemanly air. But a former street rat like Sharpe could practically smell the insincerity about the man.

"Front line that one, Sharpe, every engagement."

Both Sharpe and Harper turned to stare disbelievingly at the Exploring Officer. Those orders were just short of murder.

Munroe's left brow climbed his forehead, silently challenging the two before him to question the orders.

Pat broke first. "Well?" Nothing pleased Major Munroe more than to answer questions.

Smugly smiling, Munroe explained, "He's a right scalawag, that one. Libertine, gambler, thief. Raised a gentleman, but never behaves like one. Took a commission in the militia, promptly ran up debts, and when he snuck off in the night like a dog, he took a young lady with him."

Sharpe frowned. He hated men who took advantage of women.

"Well, sure they didn't make it to Gretna Green. Not that the lady is a gem herself, but she had some pretty influential connections, it turned out. The marriage went off at swordpoint, a commission in the regulars bought, and here he is, our problem. Word is, he'll desert at the first opportune moment. And certain people would not be at all heartbroken should the lady find herself a young widow, if you catch my meaning."

Sharpe and Harper exchanged a look. Sharpe was of the philosophy that those inclined to desert deserved their lot. He didn't want a single man not willing to do the job of soldiering marching in his company. Deserters were only slightly less rotten than rapists in Sharpe's book. Of course, officers who took the coward's route usually managed to buy their way out of trouble, but this particular fellow had enemies enough to trigger some very unusual interest.

Seeing that they understood the point of his tales, Munroe gave the two men a jaunty smile. "Well, enough gossip. I'm off to freshen up. Perhaps get in a bit of bagpipes practice, eh Sharpe? You'll dine with us tonight of course." And with that the Major wandered away.

Sharpe groaned at the tacit order to eat in the officers' mess tent. He hated the occasions when he had to put in an appearance. Turning back to the column, he watched as the ill-fated Lieutenant interacted, falsely cheerful, with the other officers of his regiment. Sharpe felt the big Irish sergeant lean in over his shoulder.

"Welladay, now that was an interesting tale, was it not?" Pat's soft voice was full of irony.

"Aye. I don't like it, Pat. Not at all. He's tellin' us to make sure that dandy don't have the chance to run. And that he do have the chance to die proper. An' who's to say that he don't deserve it, or does?"

"He does. He's a right bastard, that one is." Sharpe glanced up at Pat, surprised at the Irishman's instant condemnation. "You'll see. One like that, he cheats as easy as he breathes."

As it turned out, Harper's predictions were correct.

_And I leave it to the reader, to imagine the sort of trouble Mr. Wickham gets into, and what wonderful come-uppance he gets at the hands of Sharpe and Harper._


	2. Chapter 2

Crossover Two: Heathers/Addams Family

Another town, another school. He sat on his Harley and surveyed the new territory, mentally assessing and cataloging the cliques. There, geeks. Jocks, stoners, art fags. Ah yes, the Beautiful People. He eyed the quartet of girls cynically. Hmm, that one brunette doesn't seem to have quite the swagger of the others. A weak link perhaps?

Just as he was planning his approach, an engine's roar caught his attention. He wasn't alone, many of the students paused to watch the classic '40s limo roll up to the school. Obviously not a regular occurrence then, but the vehicle spoke of old money. Very old money.

The driver alone was worth a second glance. The guy was easily the tallest he'd ever seen. But when the door opened, his breath caught.

She was slim, almost lean. Her face was as pale and remote as the moon, and surrounded by the darkness of the night – black hair, black dress, black tights, black shoes. Her hair hung in a solid black curtain down her back. Her dress was almost parochial in its simplicity. Even at this distance he could tell her eyes were just as dark. She paused, looking up at the school. The impossibly tall driver handed her a brown bag, and she spoke to him briefly and inaudibly. Then she walked up the stairs into Westerburg High.

In almost a daze, JD followed. Two new kids on the first day of school.

* * *

Lunch time, the proving ground. He found an unoccupied corner and watched, a predator surveying the watering hole. As expected, the student cattle arrayed themselves by rank and label. But the actions of the Beautiful People mystified him until he was approached by the erratic brunette. He needled her with his wit, seeing how far he could push her. Her responses were intriguing, until he spotted his dark temptress across the room. To his surprise, her eyes were locked on him.

Perhaps the noise of the cafeteria might have faded away in some old time movie cliché had not his contemplation of her been interrupted by two typically obnoxious jock types. He fired his barbs, but seeing the lack of comprehension, switched to the more direct approach.

They yelped and ducked with almost girlish fear when he fired the gun at them. As the teacher supervising the cafeteria hauled him away, he noted that his dark beauty's eyes gleamed with expressionless approval.

* * *

When he finally got out of school, she was standing by his bike. Lighting a smoke to hide his elation, he joined her, perching on the seat of the Harley.

"Jason Dean. Or JD." He said.

After a moment, she replied, "Wednesday Addams."

Another moment of silence. "We just moved here, my dad and me. He's in demolitions," JD said in reply to her non-verbal question. "You?"

Her eyes searched his face for a moment. Whatever she sought, she found, for she answered, "Forced to transfer. I was expelled." He didn't comment, just raised an eyebrow. "Not my fault they can't hold their arsenic," she continued matter-of-factly.

JD felt the smirk pull at his lips, and he delighted in the answering gleam in her eyes.

* * *

At first, it was almost normal. He'd arrive at school, wait for her. Often, she'd exit the limo and walk right in, forcing him to catch up. The amount of control she could exert over him was heady. The strongest teenager he'd ever met.

Killing Heather Chandler was almost a non-event. JD conceived a hatred for the prom princess almost from the first moment he'd laid eyes on her. The way she treated everyone around her was only icing, but when she loudly castigated Wednesday's fashion choices, he'd begun to plan.

Wednesday calmly assisted, watching with her dark eyes as he charmed Heather into drinking the cup. His dark inspiration was quickly able to approximate Heather's handwriting at his request, though JD got the distinct impression he'd failed her somehow. It took several days before he mentioned quietly that perhaps he should have found a way to torture or otherwise humiliate Heather first.

The silent spark in her eyes gave him a hard on.

When he first heard the rumor, he was instantly infuriated. When he brought it up, suggested revenge, Wednesday listened patiently, then made a few pertinent suggestions of her own.

By the time they were done, Ram was dead, and Kurt was a gibbering idiot in the mental ward. That morning, JD and Wednesday were late to classes, because they were screwing for the first time under the football bleachers. She bit him and drew blood, which she then lapped up with her pink tongue, and he almost came too early. But he managed to drag his control together, and her quiet gasp of orgasm was most unrestrained she'd ever been around him.

* * *

He took her home that afternoon. When his father came home, and showed them the tape of the building blowing up, JD felt so proud. He turned to look at Wednesday, and her expression showed her acceptance.

Eventually, Wednesday invited him to her house. It was a special event – her younger brother was being paroled.

He loved the house immediately. The tall driver, whom he now knew was their butler, Lurch, greeted him. Wednesday's mother was a stunning beauty, her father cheerfully macabre. He talked explosives with her uncle Fester and aunt Dementia. Her brothers Pugsley, and the youngest Pubert, eyed him suspiciously at first, but later gave JD some excellent advice about using acid to remove the serial numbers on guns.

Up in Wednesday's room, he noted an embroidered yarmulka pinned to the mirror frame.

"What's that?"

"A memento."

"From who?"

"An old boyfriend."

"Really?" JD leaned back on her bed, watching her reactions.

"Yes."

"What happened to him?"

She paused to stare at him a moment. Then she said, "He couldn't keep up."

* * *

At dinner, Granny advised him to start with the eyes. JD could feel the anticipation of the family as he obediently fished out an eyeball from his plate. It resisted his bite for a second, then burst in his mouth, the vitreous fluid pouring over his tongue.

"Delicious," he complimented, and Wednesday's parent nodded at him, pleased with his reaction. Never had JD felt more at home.

He was sick for two days after that, retching horribly hour after hour as the poison worked through his system. When he finally was able to return to school, he waited as usual for Wednesday to arrive.

She eyed him expectantly, until he said, "Were there any leftovers? My dad doesn't cook so well."

She smiled at him.

* * *

She believed in his plan, but she suggested that they should allow a way out. After all, it was only sporting. The smart ones would escape.

Uncle Fester helped wire the triggers. That morning, somehow the entire family managed to visit the school as the bombs went off in a cascade effect. In the end, some two dozen people escaped the destruction, but all were injured in some way, and all traumatized. Wednesday flung herself into his arms when it was over, kissing him so thoroughly, he got a hard on right there in front of her parent.

"Well done, son!" Gomez her father complimented.

"Do come over for dinner again soon, JD." Morticia invited as they piled into the limo and departed, leaving JD and Wednesday to enjoy their success.

They quickly retreated to the woods, in fact to the spot where they'd avenged themselves on Ram and Kurt. Using JD's trenchcoat as a blanket, they had frenzied sex. When Wednesday rode him to completion, her hair made a curtain of darkness around them.

* * *

Due to the destruction of their school, they initially thought to attend some other school, but Gomez Addams had them tutored instead. JD's dad approved of the plan, and the Addamses. It didn't take long for Wednesday and JD to complete the exams. Wednesday applied to colleges, eventually deciding to attend a small private college near Salem, Massachusetts. There were members of the Addams clan nearby she could live with.

JD was welcome to accompany her.

They arranged for their possessions to be shipped, intending to ride his Harley all the way. When they bid farewell to her family and his father, JD felt her arms wind about him as he fired up the bike. The sun was setting, and a full moon would light their way. The bike had a full tank, he had his gun loaded, and a ring in his pocket supplied by Granny as formerly belonging to Great Aunt Leborgia.

Turning his head to glance back at her, he asked, "You ready?"

In response, she bit his ear. He groaned, instantly horny, and said, "My Inspiration."

"Mon cher," she whispered back, and the bike roared, whisking them away to infamy.

_AN: I honestly don't know if I can top this one..._


	3. Chapter 3

Crossover Three: The Slayers/MortalKombat (movieverse)

_(AN: this is pretty crackfic…..)_

They hadn't exactly _planned_ on another world-saving adventure. Officially, they were looking for Zelgadis's cure, as usual. Unofficially, they were wandering around the countryside, beating up bandits, checking out any restaurant or inn with a halfway decent reputation, and occasionally finding interesting or embarrassing random bits of spells or treasure.

So when a swirling sucking Vortex of Doom ™ opened suddenly before Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis, and Amelia, they went along with the flow. After all, they were pretty much used to any and all random world-threatening sudden upheavals.

"Why do I always end up on the bottom of these piles?" Zelgadis asked, patiently for once waiting for Gourry, Lina, and Amelia to get off him.

"You weigh the most," Lina absently answered. "It would really suck if you landed on, say, Amelia, after a fall like that." Both Amelia and Zelgadis blushed at Lina's comment.

They'd landed in a very unfamiliar place. Although it appeared to be outdoors, the sky was dark and gloomy. The whole landscape looked like a city AFTER Lina had Dragonslaved it.

"All right, WHAT'S GOING ON??" Lina shrieked, reaching the end of her already-short patience.

"Well well, you mean to say you've never heard of the Outworld?" Xellos asked, appearing from nowhere as is his wont. Both Lina and Amelia yelped in surprise and punched the Mazoku, giving him a tasty snack. Only momentarily phased, Xellos assumed his usual floating-in-air teaching position, his Big Book Of Everything on his lap. "The Outworld: a universe randomly connected to at least 13 other worlds. Currently ruled by the evil and utterly corrupt Emperor, whose pastimes include torturing the rightful rulers of any conquered dimension, destroying worlds, fathering mutant monsters on unwilling wives, and playing ice hockey. Portal access to any new world is limited and cannot be exploited until the minions of the Emperor succeed in beating the new world's Champions in ten consecutive Mortal Kombat tournaments."

"Let me guess," Zelgadis interrupted. "We've been drawn here to compete in this tournament, which is always to the death, our world has lost nine times, and this is the tenth and therefore vital Mortal Kombat our world has faced?"

Xellos beamed. "Why, that's absolutely correct, Zelgadis!"

Lina smacked her forehead in exasperation.

"I've never heard of this Mortal Kombat thing," Amelia said hesitantly. "I mean, we'd all heard of other worlds, like Dark Star's, before. I've never heard of the Outworld or this Mortal Kombat."

"Me either, and I'm like twenty times as well read as Amelia, so fess up, Xellos! What's the deal here?" Lina snapped.

"The deal…" started Xellos.

"If you say it's a secret, I'll kill you myself," Zelgadis interrupted, again.

Xellos stuck out his tongue at the chimera before continuing. "The deal is that usually, the Shinzoku take care of all this. But they've been losing, and frankly, we Mazoku want to destroy our world OURSELVES. So to ensure we get a chance, and no competition from the Emperor, we're taking an interest this time."

A sudden mysterious voice boomed from behind them all. "AND NOW, IT IS TIME!" They all turned to see a giant monstrous figure leering over them, surrounded by his monster army and at least a few human-looking ninja types.

"Hey!" Gourry suddenly said, "Isn't that that Zomel-guy that Princess What-her-name used to worship?"

Everyone else took a moment to blink and think, wow, the Emperor really does kinda look like how Martina used to describe her "patron monster".

"It is sort of surprising," Amelia agreed, accepting a cup of tea from Xellos. "Thank you Mister Xellos. So, do you think it's possible that Martina might have somehow tapped into this whole Mortal Kombat thing long before us?"

"I wouldn't have thought she'd have the ability to peer across Dimensions," Lina observed, eating a petit-four. "Zel? You worked for them. Did Martina have any abilities we weren't aware of?"

"None whatsoever." Zelgadis replied after a sip of tea. "In fact, I was a little surprised by her imagination. She simply didn't seem smart enough to be creative."

"HEY!" The giant Emperor boomed. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TERRIFIED HERE."

"So sorry. Would you like some tea?" Amelia offered politely.

"GAH! STOP THAT! LET'S GET GOING, HERE. SHANG TSUNG!!"

Immediately obedient to the summons of his Emperor, the evil asian wizard guy who probably hasn't ever played a good guy appeared before them.

"Now," he hissed, waving faceless evil minions forward, "Let the Mortal Kombat begin!"

Immediately serious, Lina and her friends assumed battle poses. Zelgadis particularly looked forward to the eminent stress-relief of killing bad guys by smirking coolly and drawing his sword with a twist and a grind. Amelia powered up some unnamed spell, while Lina tossed her hair smugly and Gourry drew his Sword of Light in his traditional and oft-seen move, crying, as always, "Light Come Forth!"

"Hold!" ordered Shang Tsung. "Weapons are not allowed in Mortal Kombat! You must fight hand to hand."

Xellos frowned as the rest of the gang looked surprised. But before anyone could protest, a lightening bolt struck the ground between Our Heroes and the Horde Of Evil Minions. The brilliant light faded to reveal a quintet of warriors.

The leader, a man dressed all in white, wagged his finger at Shang Tsung, looking uncannily like Xellos for a moment. "Ah-ah-ah! Now you know that's not true, Shang Tsung. Each warrior fights according to his or her own traditions." His voice was soft and had a really cool accent.

"Raiden! You and your pathetic meddling Earthlings are not wanted here!" Shang Tsung hissed, his face getting all twisted and nasty. "Attack!"

The evil minions leapt forward to attack the newcomers, who fought them off perfectly as each minion carefully waited his turn to get beat up. Lina and company simply watched, occasionally making an admiring comment about this move or that.

At one point, one of the Earth warriors, a young asian guy looking almost as cool as Zelgadis, was kicked in the chest and stumbled backwards. An aura of righteous fury surrounded him (making Amelia get all starry-eyed), and he drew his hands together in a fancy gesture and yelled "FIREBALL!"

The resultant blast knocked his opponent down and out.

"Hey!" Lina said, giving the guy an enthusiastic slap on the back. "Not bad, not bad at all. But you've gotta go for a wider range. Like this! FIREBALL!" Almost a dozen Bad Guys collapsed in smoking ruin.

The Earth warriors all paused and went "Whoa!" Everyone hesitated a moment.

"What?" Lina asked.

Xellos's smile turned feral. "In the past, those stupid Shinzoku played by the rules, even though the Emperor's people never did."

"So the Shinzoku always made the champions fight hand to hand? Even if they could do magic?" Zelgadis asked.

"That's right," Xellos affirmed.

"Idiots." muttered the blond Earth warrior woman.

"Pretty much," Xellos agreed affably.

"In that case," Zelgadis said, "ASTRAL VINE!" Sword glowing red, Zel kicked in the demon speed, and quite literally cut a swath through the enemy forces. Everyone paused a moment to go "eeewww" at the mess, but then Gourry followed quickly, while Lina and Amelia tossed spells in every direction. Sensing an easy victory, Lina and all started tossing out the really cool spells and moves. After all, this had quickly devolved to a 'workout' for them.

Their superior firepower reduced the Emperor's minions to charred lumps. The Earth warriors stood by and watched in amazement.

Shang Tsung beat a hasty retreat when Lina started after him. The Emperor gathered his remaining people to him, and disappeared with a frustrated howl.

"You've won Mortal Kombat! Yay!" Xellos with purple and gold pom-poms was a very disturbing sight, but everyone ignored him for their own sanity's sake.

"Congratulations," said Raiden, cool accent still firmly in place. "The Emperor must begin again and try to win ten Mortal Kombats in a row before invading your world."

"Unless he cheats," interjected the brunette warrior woman.

"Yeah, and you get stuck in a crappy sequel," agreed the young asian guy.

"Which I don't even get to appear in!" complained the blond Earth guy to the blonde woman.

"Give it up, Johnny," said Raiden.

Introductions were quickly performed. Lina tried to explain some magic to Liu Kang, but Raiden told them it wouldn't work on Earth. Gourry smiled stupidly at Kitana and Sonya, while Amelia tried to talk shop with Kitana about being princesses. Zelgadis calmly cleaned his sword, confident that he was way cooler than either Liu Kang or Johnny Cage. Xellos produced tea and snacks, and a good time was had by all, until Raiden sensed some new plot by the Emperor and took his people off to thwart it, with a promise to Xellos to "do lunch" sometime.

Xellos waved his staff and opened another Swirling Vortex of Doom ™ so Lina and the rest could get back home before Lina took it into her head to start looting this dimension of treasure too….


End file.
